sauergeek | (no subject)

(no subject)

I have recently discovered a question that I have been searching for the answer to for many years. The question is a simple one, so I suspect that (like most simple questions) it has an extremely complex answer. The question:

When is it appropriate to ask someone out on a date?

I can't claim any particular competence at dating. If anything, I would claim a particular incompetence at dating, as I have no idea what I'm doing. My dating history totals a single date, probably in late 1988. (And no, it was not with the person who is now my ex-wife.) It was moderately unsuccessful, in that no further dates ever happened.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Cowardly answer: never ask a person "out" - always invite the person to do something specific (coffee now, this specific movie, lunch or dinner at that specific restaurant). That way you can hedge your bets, and the invited can also hedge his or her bets and either party can claim it was not really a date, it was just coffee or lunch or common interest in this film or book signing. On the other hand, if things go well - either party can express that they liked lunch/coffee so much they want to do this again or try something else.

Confident answer: ask anytime, the more spontaneously the better, but again be specific. Asking someone "out" is too generic and too open-ended a commitment. You can't ever really get a serious answer to an open-ended question like that (though I've seen people spend their lives trying to suss the answer out, sometimes together for a lifetime).

Simple tip: do the movie/shopping-assist/book signing FIRST, then go for dinner/dessert/coffee AFTER. The reasons are; if the date turns out to be boring, you can at least talk a little bit about the movie/book/furniture over dinner so you are not totally bored and speechless; additionally, it gets you into matinee rates (save a little money).

Good luck!

I've been doing the other cowardly thing for far too long, which is to never ask someone out at all.

I do like the tip; that makes sense.

Similar to conflict de-escalation, I think you want to give people outs.

Dinner is horrible for a first date. C.f. speed dating: the reason it works is that people really can (and do!) form accurate impressions of people in a few minutes. If this I Thought This Was A Good Idea goes south in a hurry, hey, finish your coffee and you're outta there. Dinner, not so much.

Also, depending on the person (like me), there's a lot of ... I dunno, emotional investment? into Going Out To Dinner With Someone. Cup of coffee, hey, I do that fourteen, fifteen times a day, right? ;) So it's not that big a deal, which makes me more relaxed, which means that I'm not sending off I Am Very Nervous vibes (or I'm less likely to), which means I open up and the other person gets to know me better... all good stuff. The point isn't to win; the point is to not waste time in us getting to know each other.

Wait, let me repeat that. The point isn't to win; the point is to not waste time in us getting to know each other.

I expect to see lj entries about all the coffee shops in your area by the end of next week. ;)

I expect to see lj entries about all the coffee shops in your area by the end of next week.

There is one small pesky detail. I do not drink coffee. Well, OK, hardly ever, and even then only for its drug effects. I can usually count the number of times I have coffee in a year on one hand. This year, I'm pretty sure I can count the number of times on no hands.

I do drink beer. I even call myself (I think appropriately) a beer snob. Yet somehow going out to a pub for a beer is considered less appropriate.

Also, depending on the person (like me), there's a lot of ... I dunno, emotional investment? into Going Out To Dinner With Someone.

In my case, the thought of asking someone out for a date is enough to raise the specter of terror. I'm still not 100% sure why, but I think not knowing the answer to my initial question is a big part of it -- I have no idea what I'm doing.

Got tea?

Even with a Starbucks or Peet's, there may be other options.

Obviously, do your homework and swing by those places to peruse their menu at you leisure. :)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

(no subject)

Many different answers - all correct, all wrong

Re: Many different answers - all correct, all wrong

Re: Many different answers - all correct, all wrong

Re: Many different answers - all correct, all wrong

Re: Many different answers - all correct, all wrong