(no subject)

[sauergeek]

I have recently discovered a question that I have been searching for the answer to for many years. The question is a simple one, so I suspect that (like most simple questions) it has an extremely complex answer. The question:

When is it appropriate to ask someone out on a date?

I can't claim any particular competence at dating. If anything, I would claim a particular incompetence at dating, as I have no idea what I'm doing. My dating history totals a single date, probably in late 1988. (And no, it was not with the person who is now my ex-wife.) It was moderately unsuccessful, in that no further dates ever happened.

Comments

[bookly.livejournal.com]

That's a very interesting question indeed. I guess, from a female perspective, I want to have had, at the very least, enough interaction with the guy to be able to judge (as well as one can) whether he's a reasonable human being and whether he might be an interesting date. Any time before that is probably not appropriate, in my book, at least for a date-type date (as opposed to, say, getting coffee with someone you've chatted with on the Internet and would like to meet); anytime after that probably is appropriate. I'd say that asking someone on a non-date date (e.g., for the aforementioned coffee) is probably fine at any point. (I reserve the right to amend this answer later. :)

Of course, the above can be bypassed when one's friend vouches for the other person. I guess in these cases the friend is standing as a guarantor of the other person's reasonableness and potential interesting-ness.

[mulderitsme.livejournal.com]

Ditto what she said. Give the other person enough time to figure out you're not a serial killer, and that you just might be interesting enough to spend time with.

Coffee in a public place is a good start, sort of a pre-date to discuss the date-date. But don't call it a pre-date. Just be cool.

my usual technique

[solipsistnation.livejournal.com]

"Good morning."

"Hi! That was nice."

"Yeah! Wanna go out sometime?"

"Sure!"

...thus, I am REALLY not the person to ask. 8)

[bouncingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thoughts:

I'm assuming you mean "when in the relationship" and not "when in the day" or "when in the course of human history" although I'm amused by contemplating those questions also.

I think you and I have different ideas of what a date is.

I think I feel ok (if still nervous!) asking someone out for lunch, coffee, dinner, etc. if we seem to be enjoying each other's company to the point where we sometimes seem to find it hard to stop talking to each other. If we both find each other interesting enough that the conversations seem to go on slightly longer than they should ("I REALLY need to go, but one more thing..."), then I'd express an interest in continuing the conversation in a more relaxed context. Like if I'm talking only online with someone but we keep staying up late to talk, I might ask to get together for coffee sometime. Or if I we get to talking at work I might ask if they want to grab a pizza sometime after work. Basically see if the friendship seems to translate well to a different context.

Is that a "date"? It's ambiguous, and I think that's okay. Both people can kind of sound each other out and determine how they want to proceed. If the lines of communication seem open enough, it can be discussed outright.

[jcgbigler.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't get hung up on whether it's a "date" or something else. To me, a date can be anything from "Hey, wanna go get a cup of coffee?" to "Let's go furniture shopping together."

Obviously, you'll need to have talked enough to decide you find each other interesting. Once you've reached that point, have an informal date, such as a cup of coffee or some other low-cost, low-effort get-together. If that goes well, progress to something equally low-effort, but longer duration.

When Nancy & I were first getting to know each other, the first thing I'd actually call a date was when we went to a coffee shop together and sat and talked for several hours. For our next date, she came over to my house and we watched a rented movie on my tiny 13" TV.

[dcltdw]

It was moderately unsuccessful, in that no further dates ever happened.

Actually, that makes it rather successful. You want first dates to very clearly end in mutual negative or mutual positive.

Hence what jcb said about a cup of coffee. "I just spent 15 minutes talking with you. That probably wasn't that bad. Would another 15 minutes be a total waste of those precious seconds of my life that I will never get back?"

So yeah. C.f. Say Anything. Is it a date, or a scam, or a... I dunno, what? Whatever.

Many different answers - all correct, all wrong

[snolan.livejournal.com]

Cowardly answer: never ask a person "out" - always invite the person to do something specific (coffee now, this specific movie, lunch or dinner at that specific restaurant). That way you can hedge your bets, and the invited can also hedge his or her bets and either party can claim it was not really a date, it was just coffee or lunch or common interest in this film or book signing. On the other hand, if things go well - either party can express that they liked lunch/coffee so much they want to do this again or try something else.

Confident answer: ask anytime, the more spontaneously the better, but again be specific. Asking someone "out" is too generic and too open-ended a commitment. You can't ever really get a serious answer to an open-ended question like that (though I've seen people spend their lives trying to suss the answer out, sometimes together for a lifetime).

Simple tip: do the movie/shopping-assist/book signing FIRST, then go for dinner/dessert/coffee AFTER. The reasons are; if the date turns out to be boring, you can at least talk a little bit about the movie/book/furniture over dinner so you are not totally bored and speechless; additionally, it gets you into matinee rates (save a little money).

Good luck!

[lizzielizzie.livejournal.com]

It depends on your definition of a 'date'. A 'date' to me means that the person is attracted to me and wants to get to know me better, and maybe I'll get smooches at the end of the date.

My smart-ass answer is: If you like that person, ask them out on a date.

Truth is, life is more complicated than that. If the person you like is married and monogamous, they would obviously say no (and if they didn't, you should run far away from that situation before you get sucked into a giant pit of DOOM). If the person you like is 12, many people frown upon that (like the law). If the person you like is your boss, you're asking for a world of trouble, IMO. If the person you like is your mother, again with the law thing and the societal frowning.

I don't think people do much real "dating" these days. People hang out, they get coffee, they go to see movies. If the desire to smooch is mutual, it eventually happens. It's all very vague. Annoyingly so, in my opinion.

I'd say: be up front. If you're looking at the date as a friendly interaction, say that. If you're looking at the date as "hey, you're cute, let's get to know each other and see where this goes", say that. If you're up front with folks, they should be Ok with that. If they aren't OK with it, did you want to date them in the first place?

[(Anonymous)]

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